March 29, 2007

Banking 101

Holy crap have we turned into a buzzword society. Before I get into it, let's pretend we're watching Pee Wee's Playhouse, and every time I say the word of the day, SCREAM! The word of the day is "diversify."
I'm at the Wells Fargo this morning, where we have our checking account (because that's all we need), and while I'm talking to the teller, some other guy comes over and interrupts her. He looks at her computer (and she just goes silent, which I'm sure means he's done this hundreds of times), and then asks if I go by James or Jim. He did that because he has taken one of my other courses, Sales 101, only three easy installments of $69.99, in which I teach you how to be a smooth-talking salesman (don't be fooled by the other courses available for cheaper out there!). Then he tries to sell me on getting a [worthless] savings account there in addition to my worthless checking account. This is pretty much how our conversation went:

Slick bank dude: "Are you aware of our savings accounts?"
Even slicker Jim: "....uh...yep."
Not so slick anymore bank dude (I didn't say he was an 'A' student): "Oh, well...uh, we have these new ones that are even better!"
Obviously-aware-that-they're-not Jim: "What kind of return are you offering?"
Getting dumber by the minute bank dude: "Oh, well, the return really isn't that great at all (smirk on Jim's face grows even bigger), but what we can do is sign you up to take $25 out of your checking once a month, and put it into your savings account, so it can act like an overdraft-protection for you. You know, so you can diversify your checking account a little."

It was at this point that I had to cut off the conversation and leave immediately before I laughed him to scorn. DIVERSIFY my checking account?!?! (insert hysterical laughter sound bite here) I'm can't decide on which should be my "First of all, sonny," bits, so here they are in no particular order:
A: You don't diversify a checking account when your paying is paying you in (insert euphamism for something incredibly small or worthless here).
and 2: Listen closely now, and lean in so I can whisper in your ear little bank dude, "if I don't needlessly take money out of my checking account every month, I WON'T NEED OVERDRAFT PROTECTION!!!" (panting..."get me the duct tape so my head doesn't explode")
This has been part 1 of the Banking 101 seminar, with your host, Jim Calkins. That'll be $69.99, no checks or money orders, please.

1 comment:

SalGal said...

Our checking with WaMu auto-transfers $25 to savings every month.

And I auto-transfer it right back!