First off I want to apologize to my transcendently awesome wife, who more often than not finds out what I'm thinking by reading my blog (don't be too harsh on me, that number has gone down from 80% to maybe around 55% of the time, though she may beg to differ). Honey, I'm sorry, but I've always been better able to describe my feelings by writing them down (but don't tell any of my English teachers - yes, all 8 of them - because I never turned in these types of writing assignments).
I cannot, for the life of me, make and stick with the transition from knowing to doing. I have struggled so hard to know and accept what the Lord wants me to do over the past 2 years, and now that I finally know in my heart of hearts that I am in fact on the correct path, I CANNOT DO IT. This isn't the conscientious-objection type of can't, this is the I-know-what-is-right-but-I'm-somehow-paralyzed can't, and I write that in all caps because I-want-to-SCREAM!
Now, some people in the audience, you know who you are, can go ahead and wipe that knowing smirk off their faces right now. Yes, damnit, I'm depressed! But I don't want to just bypass it all by taking something that will make sure my synapses get from point-frontal-lobe on over to point-cerebellum, thereby effectively making sure I'll never actually solve my problems. I'm sorry for saying it like that, especially since it wasn't provoked by any of you (recently), but that's how I feel, and we hide enough of our feelings in our family as it is.
Ugh, how do I get back on track after that rant? Forgiveness. Now there's a good topic. In my recent desparations with this topic, transitioning from "knowing" to "doing", I called out for help from one of my best friends, who surprised me by saying he looks up to me as much as I look up to him. He suggested something that I have considered, which seems to be the answer to me now. I honestly don't feel worthy before God, and so perhaps I should not take the sacrament. In all these recent postings, the "knowing" parts, always in the back of my mind has been that He loves me. Even in the very act of profaning His name, He loves me. Sure, it cuts Him to the core, but He loves me. And that's where the forgiveness comes from. When I am ready for the "doing," I will see Him there with His arms already open.
And so here I am, knowing what needs to be done. I pray that the next time we meet, you'll find me doing instead.
3 comments:
Jim,
First, I'm impressed at how personal your blog is. I'm not good at putting my heart on my sleaves. I rarely express my feelings, that's something I need to work on.
I understand how you feel. I have often felt the same in my own life. Therefore I have no good sage advice, just empathy. I know the gospel and what I'm suppose to be doing, but I often fall short in the doing category. Its frustrating. Wow, the temptation to give advice as a man is high. I'll stop writing now before I give in.
Hey Jim,
I know what you are going through as I too have been depressed and realized that it was a serious lack of churchiness in my life. I went to therapy and did end up taking some meds, so if you end up doing that it's really not that bad. Sometimes it is truly needed. I tried really hard to do it without and I just never got anywhere. I also got back into church more and it helped a lot. Good Luck and if you wanna know more just ask. :)
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